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Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 8:19 pm
by kmartell
I didn't know that Tomahawk had 'ladies of the evening'. :shock: If so, this piece belongs in the What's Great About Tomahawk section. :lol:

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works." :wink:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 11:39 pm
by Jeff Boettcher

The Kens are stimulated.


Sic 'em Catfish! Your jokes will calm anyone down. (Except for Deb.)

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 11:52 pm
by Old Scout
How to wash a sweatshirt

One day, a housework challenged husband decided , to wash his sweatshirt..

Soon after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied, "what does it say on your shirt?? "

He yelled back, "Go Vikings!! "

She replied —"Use hot water, a box of Tide, and four cups of bleach ".

GO PACKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 12:44 am
by Old Scout
Cold Winter predicted

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter.

It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS.

Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

Hope all of you are OK !

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 6:45 am
by Deb Richardson
What did I do?

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 11:54 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
Ya did nothing. I was just assuming that after a Catfish post, you'd be in rebuttal mode! (Wishful thinking on my part to help keep this message board vibrant/active!)


Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 6:05 am
by Deb Richardson
Me? Rebuttal mode? "I take umbrage, extreme umbrage!" ~Marie Barone~

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:59 pm
by Catfish
That's right. All I'm here for is to keep the board active/vibrant. They pay me.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 2:27 pm
by Catfish
In a effort to keep the board vibrant/active here's one for ya.
There once was a couple that really liked the Beach Boys. The wife and her husband liked them so much that she thought she would surprise him with a tattoo saying the Beach Boys, on her butt. Beach on one side and Boys on the other.
When she got to the tattoo shop she told the guy what she wanted. He took a look at her and said she was to skinny to put the whole words on and suggested he just put a big capitol B on each cheek and they would both know it was for the Beach Boys.
So when she got home she wanted to surprise her hubby and told him she got a tattoo and asked if he'd like to see it.
He said sure, so she turns her butt toward him and drops her jeans to the floor and bends over and says, "See Honey!"
He says, "Real good....who's BoB?"

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:08 am
by Old Scout
Arrest report

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes..'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow---

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:15 am
by Deb Richardson
Catfish, apparently they don't pay you enough! ~big toothy grin~

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:19 am
by Deb Richardson
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:12 pm
by KEN
take "umbrage", extreme "umbrage!"

ODDS BODKINS ! DEB !!!! :shock: I didn`t know a dictionary was required to be on this Message Board! :wink:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 4:17 pm
by Catfish
Who's BoB????????

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:26 pm
by Deb Richardson
Who's BoB? Wish I could say. ~right click delete Deb from message board~

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 11:26 pm
by Old Scout

Brad Childress' House Egged Monday Night.

Minneapolis police reported that some individual attempted to "egg" Brad Childress' house last night.

An empty egg carton was recovered at the scene.

Two eggs hit Mr.Childress' house, 3 eggs went over his house and hit his neighbor's backdoor, 2 eggs hit the houses of each of his next door neighbors, and the remaining 3 eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton from where the individual threw them.

Looking at what was hit, police officials say they are considering Brett Favre as the primary suspect.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 5:54 am
by Deb Richardson
Old 4 weeks ago! ~big toothy grin~

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 4:46 pm
by Old Scout
Almost forgot, Deb is a big Favre fan.
Could it be that she is getting text messages from him too ? :lol: :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:26 pm
by Deb Richardson
A girl can dream! ;-)

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 11:45 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
Loved & related to the Old Fart joke. It's not often, but sometimes Deb fires off a good one. (smiley face w/wink to Deb)

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone
else doesn't think they're jokes.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 6:08 am
by Deb Richardson
Thanks Jeff, you are sounding like one of my kids now!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:52 pm
by Jeff Boettcher

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 12:21 pm
by Catfish
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 11:50 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners... It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the **** is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 3:51 am
by Catfish