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Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:09 pm
by KEN
Deb,
I`m not sure I believe you. :o But, if it`s true , it`s probably better that we leave it at that. :wink:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:11 pm
by Catfish
Speaking of turkeys....I saw 47 of them in one field. Never seen so many in a group like that. They were spread out enough to count them.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:41 pm
by Deb Richardson
The turkeys sure do seem to be active in our neck of the woods too. Had 3 Toms stand in the middle of the road on my way to work last week and stare. Of course they were in both lanes. Geez men! (Pay for both halves might as well us both halves.)

To Ken, good idea! ;-)

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 11:32 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
Go Catfish Go! Nice train joke.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 1:52 pm
by Deb Richardson
OK I'm going to regret this but here goes anyway.

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the world and will enable him to be the most confident, seductive and invincible...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff. Never mind.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:28 pm
by Catfish
It must be the whiskey. I have never had, or never even heard of a woman treating a man like that. Whiskey River Take My Mind. (Willie Nelson)

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:11 pm
by Old Scout
Dear God,


My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account, and a thin body.


Please don't mix these up like you did last year.


AMEN.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 6:09 am
by Deb Richardson
Now Catfish I don't believe that! As a matter of fact I do that for my husband at least once a year.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 8:36 am
by Catfish
I think we'll have to talk to your husband about that.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 6:55 pm
by Catfish
A woman was enjoying a good game of Bridge with her girlfriends one evening when suddenly she realized how late it was.
"Oh no, she exclaimed, and I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home she realized she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of catfood. In a panic, she opened the can of catfood, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband was pulling up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband was really enjoying his dinner. She was even more astounded when he announced, " Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every Bridge night from then on the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her Bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Sure enough, and without warning, two months later her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing Bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in. How can you just sit there so calmly and play Bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ***."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2011 6:12 am
by Catfish
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and of course his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and says, "where you been?" "Why I've been to the pub of course." slurs the drunk. "Well, says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening." "I did allright." the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know, says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh thank heavens, sighs the drunk, for a minute there I thought I'd gone deaf."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2011 7:29 pm
by KEN
Ole lived across theMinnesota Riverfrom Clarence Bunsen,whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across theriver at each other all the time.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofverdere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife,Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhydoncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you saidyou vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimminy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"

Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came backhome.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' updat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across dariver he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridgedat says
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"Clarence is 13 ft. 6 In." :P

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2011 8:25 pm
by Catfish
My neighbors dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. The problem was hair in it's ears. He cleared both ears and the dog could hear fine. He told her if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in his ears once a month. She goes to the drug store for "Nair" hair remover and the druggist says, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." She says, "I'm not using it under my arms." He says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." She says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:44 am
by Jeff Boettcher
On the eve of a Packer victory you fell short of your standard warped stuff. I am bummed Catfish.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 3:08 am
by Catfish
What? The schnauzer isn't warped? Whew, I was worried about that.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 3:12 am
by Catfish
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 6:38 am
by KEN
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches??
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A NERVOUS WRECK!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:57 pm
by Deb Richardson
How much more warped can you get than Schnauzer?

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 7:24 pm
by Catfish
I love Schnauzers!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:36 pm
by Old Scout
As you know, recently dead birds have fallen from the sky in the south.

The NFL is taking this issue very seriously.

The NFL has asked the CDC to assign an ornithologist to study the dead Eagles in Philadelphia, the dead Ravens in Pittsburgh, the Dead Seahawks in Chicago and the dead Falcons in Atlanta.

All inquiries should be sent to the CDC or the NFL.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 5:06 pm
by Deb Richardson
Now Old Scout says I don't have a sense of humor. Does this constitute humor?

A Packer fan in a bar leans over to the guy next
to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Bear's fans?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Bear's fan. ...The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Bear's fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" 280 pounds and he's a Bear's fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three
times."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 7:07 pm
by Old Scout
Little Known Facts about Minnesota
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as "how a 7-year- old city girl would draw a picture titled 'life on the farm'".

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah", meaning, "No, really... they eat fish soaked in lye".

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind".

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world". Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick", but that was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota at one time was "Where even a man who wears a feather boa can be governor.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul . He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan .

Water skis were invented in 1922 in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn't been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named "Pig's Eye", after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre "pig's eye" Parrot. Its' twin city, Minneapolis, was known as "Pig's Colon ".

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota , erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. Then in 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the blue ox. Yes, Minnesota has a lot of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on Independence Day - you get used to it."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat - chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926. Minnesota's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet".

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 7:45 pm
by Deb Richardson
You didn't mention that Dodge Center, MN is the hometown of the woman that the movie "Sybil" was patterned from.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 7:58 am
by KEN
A giraffe walks into a bar and say`s..................................
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"Highballs are on me"!
:shock:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 12:54 pm
by Old Scout
A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly says,

"...Had him circumcised!"