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The Tomahawk Leader is a state and national prize-winning weekly newspaper serving the scenic Northwoods area in and around Tomahawk, WI.

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:25 am 
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A woman is singing, humming, and just giggling all over herself in the kitchen one day. Her husband asked her why she was so happy. She told him, "I went to the doctor today and he said that I have the breasts of a twenty year old." The husband asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ---?" She replied, "Your name didn't come up in our conversation."


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:33 am 
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:37 pm 
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Catfish, Catfish, Catfish!

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 12:13 am 
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A wife and her husband were at home watching TV. He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake, leave it on the porn channel! You already Know how to fish!"

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The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 6:01 pm 
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A polite way of calling someone a bas----.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,
“I'll marry them.”


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:15 pm 
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What do you call a woman with a Bear's Fan?









A hostage!

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 5:53 pm 
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:27 pm 
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Deb,
loved your last two Bears jokes!

Catfish,
You're back to hitting HRs again. Thanks!

How 'bout those Packers!!!!

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What if there were no hypothetical questions?


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 7:53 pm 
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A middle aged woman goes to the doctor for a routine yearly complete physical. While being examined the doctor tells her she has the breasts of a twenty-one year old.
When she gets home she tells her husband what the doctor said and he says, "Oh really, what did he say about your fifty year old ---?"
She says, "Nothing dear, your name never came up in the conversation."


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:03 am 
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There was this teenage boy who was opening up his birthday present from his mom and it was a transister radio. When he opened it he said, "Radio ma, Radio!"

When our whole family was sitting at our dinner table and one of our daughters had her boyfriend over we had it planned that when we told that joke we all would laugh histerically, and laugh and laugh. As we all were laughing the boyfriend sat there with a bewildered look and didn't say a thing. After the laughing settled down our daughter asks her boyfriend if he got it. He says, ya. So she says, explain it then. He had that bewildered look all over again. I guess you'd have to have been there. Try it with a group sometime and see what happens.


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:05 pm 
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Catfish = Meanie :roll:

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:10 am 
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A beautiful woman at the bar approached a man with an offer. "I'll make your dreams come true for $150."
"That's a lot of money." the guy said, admiring her voluptuous body. "I'm worth it, for $150 I'll act out any fantasy. I can make any three words come true."
Caressing the back of his neck while he considered the offer, he leaned back with a big smile and announced, "It's a deal!" He leaned over and whispered,

"Paint my house!"


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:44 pm 
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My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

Hospitol visiting hours are 10AM to 8 PM.


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:32 pm 
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:08 pm 
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~shakes head wearily~Catfish, Catfish, Catfish what will we do with you?

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 10:01 pm 
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Like I've said before, "it's a sick world and I'm a happy guy!"


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:54 pm 
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Catfish if that were your Facebook status I would hit the "Like" button.

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:43 pm 
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My marriage is perfect.
Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:01 pm 
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For Catfish Facebook status I would put him on 'Like, but proceed with extreme caution and verify'.

Since I don't use Facebook I still like him and I always proceed with extreme caution and verify. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:16 pm 
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> Ben Roethlisberger , after living a full life, died. :|
When he got to heaven, God
> was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded
> Steelers flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Ben," said
> God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Ben felt
> special, indeed, and walked up to his house. :|

> On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.
> It was a 3-story mansion with a GREEN & GOLD sidewalk, a 50-foot tall
> flagpole with an enormous PACKERS flag, and in every window, a
> CHEESEHEAD!! :shock:
.
> Ben looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
> have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even
> won a few Super Bowl." :|

> God said "So what's your
> point, Ben?" :?
"Well, why
> does Aaron Rodgers get a
> better house than I do ?"
>
> God chuckled, and said:




"Ben, that's not Aaron 's house......it's Mine." :D
>
> GO PACKERS
:o


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:35 pm 
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Loved that joke back when it was Elway and Favre.

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 8:45 pm 
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 9:32 pm 
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.



He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:20 am 
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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.


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 Post subject: Re: Northwoods Humor
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 2:03 am 
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CHURCH BULLETINS
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. ------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale... It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'H**l' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help..

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is H**l?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

_________________
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


Last edited by Old Scout on Fri Feb 04, 2011 5:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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