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Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:54 pm
by Catfish
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A.. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 5:22 pm
by Old Scout
CHURCH BULLETINS
Chaper 2


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 12:20 am
by Catfish
My wife has an electric blender, electric toaster, and an electric bread maker.

She said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 10:29 am
by Deb Richardson
My friend in North Dakota wrote this morning about the terrible snow storm they are having.

She said that early this morning the snow was already waist high and it is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

Her husband has done nothing all day but look through the kitchen window.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:13 pm
by Deb Richardson
The Broken Zipper


If you haven't seen this, I hope you laugh at it as I did.

http://www.youtube.com/user/billybobjr705

Take the time to listen to this preacher.

This guy missed his calling. Instead of being

A preacher, he should have been a comedian.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 6:03 pm
by Catfish
My wife said the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburator.

I asked where the car was.

She told me, "In the lake."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:54 am
by Deb Richardson
After receiving treatment at the local hospital for a couple of gunshot wounds, Bubba was asked by the police to make an official statement.

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer that his cousins had shot him.
...
"Why'd they do that?" asked the officer.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," explained Bubba, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:04 pm
by Catfish
My wife got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 12:23 pm
by Old Scout
Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

4. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

5. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

6. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

7. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

8. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, In about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

9. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 4:45 pm
by Old Scout
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7.. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS...

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 11:33 am
by Old Scout
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 7:35 pm
by Catfish
OK now I know how Deb feels.....groooan!
ken, don't ever say I'm the sick one. Tell me, are we all sick? Deb says no!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:09 pm
by Deb Richardson
What I do? My joke was deleted.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:18 pm
by Kerry Tobin
Certain subjects are more likely to set off website filters. It's kind of important for this website to be visible even if people are behind a filter (for example, at schools, libraries, etc.).

A number of the jokes have been removed over the time this thread has existed because of the subject covered, or subjects they imply. At some point we need to sit down and read the whole thread over because I think some that probably should have been removed were missed.

Sorry,

Kerry

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:22 pm
by Old Scout
An older gentleman was On the operating table Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son, A renowned surgeon, Perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, He asked to speak to his son

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; Do your best And just remember,

If it doesn't go well, If something happens to me,
Your mother Is going to come and Live with you and your wife....'

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:48 pm
by Old Scout
TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE !

ONLY IN TEXAS ...

Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:08 pm
by Old Scout
A distraught senior citizen Phoned her doctor's office.

'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence Before the senior lady replied,

I'm wondering, then,Just how serious is my condition Because this prescription is marked

'NO REFILLS'.'

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:30 pm
by Deb Richardson
OK Kerry I DEMAND Old Scouts joke be deleted. Subject matter.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 10:53 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
Deb,
You have to admit that the surgeon joke was worth remembering!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 11:16 pm
by Kerry Tobin
Deb,

Which one? :) And some of his have been (which I don't think he was happy about, and I'm sorry).

I'm trying to let things go (and sadly, I simply don't have time to pay as close of attention as I would like) but at the same time, we have to be careful on what's allowed. Even the White House website has been blocked in the past for subjects they were discussing.

Kerry

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 11:56 pm
by neup99
Kerry Tobin wrote:Even the White House website has been blocked in the past for subjects they were discussing.


Shouldn't be a problem anymore, Bill Clinton is long gone.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:40 am
by Deb Richardson
Joke Kerry!

Yes Jeff the surgeon joke is worth remembering. However I think the original version was a renowned surgeon was about to preform surgery on his mother.....

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2011 5:49 pm
by KEN
94% OF AMERICANS SAY

'OH ####' :shock:

BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 6% ARE FROM WISCONSIN AND THEY SAY,

"
"
"





"HOLD MY BEER, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHIN' HERE."
:wink:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 8:16 am
by Deb Richardson
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
mysterious ways.
...After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our
cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends
and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're
still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but
this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the
woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever,
Don't mess with them.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 9:20 pm
by Deb Richardson
A cop pulls a guy over at 2:30 in the morning.

Cop says, "where are you going?"


Guy says, " I'm going to a lecture on "The perils of drinking and the
harmful affects on your job, your relationships and your family"'



Cop says "Who is giving the lecture at this time of the night?"


Guy Says "My Wife"