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Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2011 11:24 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
Wow Scout. That joke was longer than a Old school pastor's sermon!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 12:20 am
by kmartell
That's for sure !!

But at least ABBOTT didn't tell COSTELLO to 'hit any key'. That would have taken them in circles they would never get out of. Run it over in your mind... it can be a never ending loop. :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:47 am
by Catfish
The joke of the year.............

Two women were sitting on a park bench minding their own business.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:11 pm
by Old Scout
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew...and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked

Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned... And said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha.

I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haffta leave my socks on... so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 12:01 am
by Old Scout
Oklahoma Declares War on the USA .

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at The Catfish King in downtown Idabel , Oklahoma , and I am callin' to tell yall that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole sales team from the Dairy Queen. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor."

President Obama sighed "I must tell you Archie, that I have 1600 tanks and 1400 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harolds ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat "I must tell you Archie that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few drinks, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."


Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:13 pm
by Catfish

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to
secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:05 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
There's only one response the dude could possibly offer: TILT!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:41 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:07 pm
by Old Scout
Now this a retirement plan!!!

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 ticket for cars ($1.50), 5 tickets for buses ( $7.50).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain , or France , or Italy... Is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... And no one even knows his name.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:30 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
It never fails. I come up with a good one, then Scout tops me with a winner.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:20 pm
by Old Scout
Jeff, you just inspire me ! :D

Now I know why I never liked Bran Muffins ! ! :lol:

Just imagine how people who eat right, exercise, don't drink or smoke and eat nothing but health foods are going to feel some day when they are laying in the hospital dying of nothing. :roll:

You just can't win !

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:24 pm
by Old Scout

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my
time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with
the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I
had joined a parachute club. She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70
years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly
showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "For
heaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a
Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:00 am
by kmartell
Old Scout....don't forget to 'suit up' before you jump :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 10:06 pm
by Old Scout
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh** on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:57 pm
by Old Scout
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles. "I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill."No objection," the patient says. ''I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:28 pm
by Deb Richardson
I think the message board needs a 'like' button.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 6:00 am
by KEN
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nortdakota (that would be ' North Dakota ' for the non-Scandinavians out there). He drives to Nortdakota, finds the farm and takes a look at the cow. Then he reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls ..... the cow farts. :roll:
Ole pauses, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat and pulls ... and the cow farts again. :roll:

Milk does come out however, so after a brief negotiation with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, c ome and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. :roll:

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nortdakota, didn't yah?" :|

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip and replies, "Yah, dat's right, but how did you know?" :?

Sven says, "My wife is from Nortdakota."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 7:07 am
by Deb Richardson
Dog Tricks

A guy walks into a talent agency with a dog, and says "I've got a great dog can actually talk."

"Surrrre he can," replies the talent agent, "prove it."

So the fellow asks the dog, "What is on top of a building?"

"Roof, roof!" the dog replies.

"What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough, rough!" the dog replies.

The talent agent starts to get impatient as the man asks his dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth, Ruth!" says the dog.

Finally the agent becomes fed up and kicks the pair out of his office.

Once outside, the dog looks up at his master and says, "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 2:57 pm
by Deb Richardson
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary support to their partners. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you during pregnancy. Walking is especially beneficial - it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just remember to make periodic stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path..

She then looked at the men in the room, saying "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor."

I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught...

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 3:26 pm
by Old Scout
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:33 am
by kmartell
I'll say it..... TILT !!! :oops:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 6:13 am
by Deb Richardson
~fans self repeatedly~

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:46 am
by Deb Richardson
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal..

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:06 am
by Old Scout

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in Buffalo and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to Go to the Local Planning Committee for a variance."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I wasConfining wild animals against their will. They Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration is checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:54 pm
by Old Scout
New Roadrunner Cartoon -

" Coyote Falls " in near-3D .

This is very Good. It's been FAR too long since we last saw one.

This is the first one done with computer animation.

Lots can be done with computer graphics that would be far more expensive to do in drawn animation.

For instance.......note the reflection in the stainless tanker as it speeds past the rock-face.

The computer graphics look good and it still has that old Roadrunner fun!

Only 3 minutes, but it's 3 minutes of fun!

Coyote Falls ... &vq=medium