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Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue May 10, 2011 7:26 pm
by Old Scout
Nest time you go out for dinner there is a new drink you can try !

It's called a Bin Laden !

The drink consists of two shots and a splash of water ! :lol: :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed May 11, 2011 11:35 pm
by neup99
Old Scout wrote:Nest time you go out for dinner there is a new drink you can try !

It's called a Bin Laden !

The drink consists of two shots and a splash of water ! :lol: :lol:

Be careful with those. The shots go straight to your head.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 9:34 am
by Deb Richardson
Weighty Situation

A man was showing his friend the new set of matched golf clubs he had just purchased.

"What a great set of clubs." remarked his friend. "You must have spent top dollar for them?"

"Sure did, but it was doctor's orders," the man told his friend.

"Whatcha mean by that?" asked his friend.

"Well, my wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."

"What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?"

"A new lawn mower," replied the golfer.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 10:42 am
by Deb Richardson
Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Wisconsin, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but money is money, so he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got!"

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 5:01 am
by KEN
My girlfriend has accused me of being a Stalker ! :shock:
She`s not exactly my girfriend.....yet. :wink:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:52 am
by Deb Richardson
A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adordable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ".

His eye is still swollen, but it will get better

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:11 am
by Catfish
A sweet little elderly couple was sitting in the park sipping wine when the lady said, "Oh I love you so much, I don't know how I could live without you."
The man said, "Honey, is that you talking or the wine?"
She said, "It's me talking honey, to the wine."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 11:14 pm
by Deb Richardson
That's awesome! Glad to see ya here Catfish!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 5:07 pm
by kmartell
A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?..
..Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!


Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:43 am
by Catfish
Elvis, River Phoenix and Liberace were all sitting around in Heaven complaining about how boring it was day after day with everything the same. White clouds and white clouds every day. They asked Saint Peter if they could get a day pass to go back to earth for the afternoon. St. Pete said there was no such thing as a day pass. Everyday they asked him the same thing until he finally said OK but if they resorted to their same old bad ways they would be zapped and be disintegrated. They promised to be good and left Heaven for the day. The three were waking down the street when Elvis saw a sign that said 'Cold Beer' and headed into the bar. Instantly, "zapp", he was gone. River said to Liberace they had better be careful because that happened so quickly. Walking down the sidewalk again, River saw a bag of dope lying on the sidewalk. He bent over to pick it up and, "zapp" Liberace was gone.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:23 pm
by Deb Richardson
Holy Crap!!! No pun intended!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 12:44 am
by Old Scout
Military Quote Of The Day

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional and now it's legal.

I'm getting the heck out before Obama makes it mandatory."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 9:12 pm
by Old Scout
Some body doesn't have a sense of humor ! :shock:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:59 pm
by Catfish
Ken, I saw on the other thread that you were an avid dog lover. We'll see. I don't know how you treat your dog, but you know what my dog asked me last week?
He asked, ....."Now I ask you, what kind of best friend would remove your testicles?" hmmmm?

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 9:06 pm
by Catfish
Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience. Turns out I just don't give a crap.

The Importance of Walking: Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in anursing home at $4000 per month.

My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the **** he is.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 12:03 am
by Old Scout
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife." :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 1:12 pm
by Catfish
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?, Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom." Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "About a gallon".

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 1:22 pm
by Deb Richardson
If it this were Facebook Catfish I would hit the "Like" button.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:33 pm
by kmartell
Not quite Northwoods but...

The Arkansas State Trooper pulled over a speeding young man. He walked up to the driver and said "Boy, you got an ID?"

The kid replied " 'bout what?"

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:19 am
by Deb Richardson
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

Three months later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men..

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 12:18 pm
by kmartell
Deb....that one cut to the bone....ouch!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:48 pm
by Old Scout

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:37 pm
by Old Scout
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to ahollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

You Have, the Green Bay Packers On TV ?" :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:07 am
by KEN
There`s a new Airline serving the area.
' ... audio-only

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:41 pm
by Old Scout
The Dot


For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.