You just might be a Redneck if:

You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

Please excuse the four letter words in the following story. I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they

got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"


"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned,

Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard

before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take

me home... "PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with

your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?

WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so

embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your

mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust,

wash, iron, and cook...”


“I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

_________________
God and the Soldier we all adore,
In times of trouble and then no more
when war is over and all things righted
God is forgotten, the old soldier Slighted.

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him, plus, they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the Cosmos were good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids around.

10 years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the Martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants.

10 years later, at 55, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that opened in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have early bird specials.

10 years later, at 75, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 85, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

_________________
God and the Soldier we all adore,
In times of trouble and then no more
when war is over and all things righted
God is forgotten, the old soldier Slighted.