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Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 9:41 am
by Deb Richardson
You just might be a Redneck if:

You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:53 pm
by Old Scout
Please excuse the four letter words in the following story. I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they

got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"


"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned,

Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard

before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take

me home... "PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with

your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?

WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so

embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your

mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust,

wash, iron, and cook...”


“I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 12:20 am
by Old Scout
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him, plus, they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the Cosmos were good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids around.

10 years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the Martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants.

10 years later, at 55, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that opened in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have early bird specials.

10 years later, at 75, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 85, the group discussed where they should meet. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:59 pm
by Eunice
A mathematician, an accountant, an economist, and a lawyer all apply for the same government job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four exactly."

The interviewer then interviews the accountant and asks the same question. "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four -- give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

The interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question. "What does two plus two equal?" The economist asks back "What do you need it to equal?"

Then finally the interviewer interviews the lawyer and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The lawyer says, "That would depend on who is asking the question and what the desired outcome would be."

The interviewer replies. "You're hired."

Optional extra ending:
His boss asks later "Do you think any of the others would fit the job if there are any other openings?". The interviewer says "Ohh, the economist...maaybe the accountant...NOT the mathematician."
His boss says "Definitely NOT the mathematician..."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 1:05 pm
by Eunice
Guns don't load, aim and fire themselves. This is news to some people.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 1:10 pm
by Eunice
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were out tent camping one night.
In the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said, "Watson, look straight up, what do you see?"
Watson looked up and said. "I see thousands of ting lights, but I know they are really stars, like the sun that gives life to our planet, and there are billions of them that my naked eyes cannot see. If just a few of those stars had planets and just a few of them have life, well there could be millions of civilizations out there. My God, Holmes, you're a genius."
Sherlock Holmes said, "Watson, someone stole our tent."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 1:49 am
by Old Scout
Freezing your butt off - Copy.jpg
This is when you know it is cold ! :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri Feb 21, 2014 11:58 am
by oldie83
if yu were in Sochi & wanted sushi, could yu find sushi in Sochi? or would yu slosh thru slushy streets searching for sushi in Sochi if there was sushi in Sochi. :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 11:11 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
My new philosophy for life:

Never fart as the elevator door is closing.

Spring is here?