Northwoods Humor

Forum for discussions about Tomahawk and the Northwoods.
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Old Scout
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:22 pm

Before Chelsea 's wedding, Hillary asked Chelsea ,

"So, have you had sex with Marc yet?"

Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad"
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Fri Aug 06, 2010 11:20 pm

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
***********************************
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
************************************
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
************************************
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
************************************
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Sat Aug 07, 2010 12:20 pm

The first grade teacher told her class that today they were going to start learning how to use adult words instead of baby talk.
She asked Jennifer, "What did you do this weekend?"
Jennifer said she went to nana's and had ice cream.
Teacher said, "No Jennifer you went to GRANDMA's and had ice cream."
Next she called on Bobby, "Bobby what did you do this weekend?"
Bobby said his dad took him for a ride on the choo choo.
Teacher said, "NO Bobby, your dad took you on a TRAIN ride.
Finally she called on little Johnny, "Johnny, what did you do this weekend?"
"My dad read me a book."
Teacher said that's real good but what was the name of the book.
Johnny thought real hard for a minute.....he swelled his chest and proudly said, "Winnie the ****!"

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Sat Aug 07, 2010 12:22 pm

On nuts, they x'd out the word. It rhimes with hit.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:17 pm

Tilt.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Sun Aug 08, 2010 7:02 pm

Pit?
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:12 am

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating,
she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if
she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a
man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a
baseball bat up his butt while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:35 pm

OOOWWWWW !!

I think you just described my wife ! ! :lol:
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:39 pm

So Old Scout what did you do to deserve the duct tape?
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:21 pm

I think I just opened my mouth to yawn and she thought I was going to say something ! :lol:

Which brings up a question, If a man is all alone out in the wilderness and he says something is he still wrong ? :?
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Wed Aug 11, 2010 6:35 pm

DER!!! Of course.
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:02 am

Before the church services started, people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared in the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man said, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute." said the old man. "Did you know I could cause you profound, horribly physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep." was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Beem married to your sister for 48 years."

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:34 am

Garth Brooks at 80

My buddys and me were once wild and free
And now we ain’t doin so great

We used to go down and tear up the town
And now we’re all in bed by eight.

Our parties are fewer, we’re sipping Ensure
Instead of our glass of champagne.

Now when we get together
we just talk bout the weather

And all we ever do is complain.

Cuz all our friends have hip replacements
Cuz they slipped and fell in their garage or basement

We’re old and pale and our bones are frail

Yea years ago we were stealin bases
Now we spend our time having wheel chair races

Oh all my friends have hip replacements.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:19 pm

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I put in a bid for a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire Cabinet.
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:21 pm

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that Elk's have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw Darn..," says his friend, "and I just joined the American Legion!"
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:27 pm

Texas Sheriff Entrance Exam

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The sergeant conducting the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslims, six 'Progressive Liberal' Democrats and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asks.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" replies the sergeant. "When can you start?"
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:31 pm

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA . He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:59 pm

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever, " I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Vikings win the Super Bowl!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:58 am

Gee Old Scout are you working on material for next season of Last Comic Standing? You're on a roll!
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Fri Aug 13, 2010 4:37 pm

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bed side every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.When my business failed, you were there.When I got shot, you were by my side when we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by myside...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the **** away from me." :lol:
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Fri Aug 13, 2010 4:46 pm

Emplyee evaluations

I have worked with people like this !

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but
more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to
change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts
the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's
the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is
out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Sun Aug 15, 2010 2:21 pm

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs so he couldn't get back in.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Sun Aug 15, 2010 2:23 pm

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly.'

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Sun Aug 15, 2010 2:25 pm

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small', $6,500 for 'medium', and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Mon Aug 16, 2010 6:01 am

I think Catfish needs some summer lovin'! ;-)
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!


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