Northwoods Humor

Forum for discussions about Tomahawk and the Northwoods.
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Mon Aug 16, 2010 12:16 pm

Oh no, do you really think so Deb?
Looking back at my last three posts on this thread I suppose they do imply rejection. Is that what my little lady is trying to say when she tells me she can't miss me until I go away?
The other day she said if she would have shot me when she wanted to, she'd be out of jail by now.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Mon Aug 16, 2010 6:12 pm

For some reason Catfish I think you are weaving another tale. I'm guessing you have a little lady that loves you like crazy!
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Mon Aug 16, 2010 10:23 pm

Yes you're right, I do have a wonderful lady that does love me. She does have a sense of humor tho because she did tell me those things. You know how I feel about her after 15 years together is just like the first week. She is a treasure and EVERY day for 15 years I kiss her and tell her I love her.

Oh well, I just blew my hard core persona.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:36 am

I think your cover was blown a long time ago! I know just how you feel about your lady. After 35 years I still get that "feeling" from my man! Oh Dang!! Jeff is going chastise us about posting fluff!!
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Wed Aug 18, 2010 4:29 am

Earl and Eddie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Eddie says, "Think I'm gonna divorce my wife--she ain't spoke to me in over two months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over...........women like that are hard to find."

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Aug 19, 2010 1:43 am

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program and I'll explain it by Using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating
the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will Go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard Sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Aug 19, 2010 2:53 am

Ball games, prostitutes, beer and tattoos...........
America.......the best country on earth!
hey..........what about the weed?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Wed Aug 25, 2010 7:53 pm

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Sat Sep 04, 2010 11:06 pm

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally" .

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag containing a large sum of money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile!

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Sat Sep 18, 2010 10:31 pm

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so **** expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:31 pm

We miss Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

LAST ONE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:03 pm

After several weeks in Baton rouge for a paper machine trial, this joke seemed appropriate:

Gators
There was this Norwegian who was on vacation 'over-there' in Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help. Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, In "Just keep your lousy shoes. If that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!" The owner of the store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me." The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he heads out into the swamp.
After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. That must be the Swedes the Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the Swede sticks his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's the beast onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede turns the gator on his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters, "****! No shoes on this one either!"
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:09 pm

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room..

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment..'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:19 pm

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby kmartell » Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:16 pm

Catfish....my good man, may have crossed that murky line that allows us (men) to sleep with both eyes closed. I have a feeling you might get some interesting feed back on this one. :lol:

You are a brave man....and funny as all heck !!!
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:15 pm

Just the standard! ~shakes head wearily~
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:24 pm

LOL (brave and stupid silly)

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Fri Oct 15, 2010 2:17 pm

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?





He said to me ... .. ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart




He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.






He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.






He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.




He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.




He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby kmartell » Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:21 pm

Well Catfish....what do you have to say for 'ourselves' now? :lol: I wouldn't say you're out on a limb by yourself but I'm too far away to really help you and frankly you're skating on really thin ice here. :shock:

p.s. So what else do you have ? :wink:

And Deb, what do you mean 'change a roll of toilet paper' ? Doesn't make sense.. just set it on the floor...why go
through all that work to put it on the 'roller' when all you do is take it off eventually anyway ? :?:
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Mon Oct 18, 2010 3:27 am

Elvis, Liberace, and River Phoenix are all sitting around in Heaven talking about how bored they all were day after day with nothing but white clouds everywhere and nothing much to do. They went to St. Peter and asked if it would be possible to go back down to earth just one day for a rememberance of their past life and to cut the boredum for just one day. St. Peter said that was never done. Each day for several days in a row thay kept asking Peter until one day he said all right, just one afternoon. However he said that if they slipped back into their old habits they would be zapped and immediately sent to **** instead of coming back to Heaven.
They all agreed and in a second all three were standing on a sidewalk back down on earth.
As they walked down the sidewalk Elvis saw a sign that said "Cold Beer" over a saloon and stepped to the door and began to walk in and immediately was zapped and disappeared.
River Phoenix looked at Liberace and they were amazed at how fast he was zapped and disappeared. They both said they had better mind Peter and be careful.
A little further down the sidewalk River looked down and saw a bag of dope on the sidewalk. He stopped, stared at it a minute and bent over to pick it up and ZAPP, Liberace dissappeared.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:48 pm

I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple of visits and exaustive lab tests he said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment I couldn't resist asking, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I'm not doing drugs either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No I don't." I said
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have alot of sex?"
"No" , I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a ----?"

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:50 pm

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:57 pm

OK, I guess I'm sort of on a roll here. However I KNOW I'll be getting some feed back on this one. Forgive me, I'm a happy man in a sick world. And Ken says I'm a brave man.

How do you know when it's time to do the dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants, if you have one, it's not time.

(Deb rolls her eyes and sighs) (hi Ken)

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:52 pm

Happy man in a sick world indeed!! Right now I'm LMAO! Right after ~eye roll, head shake~
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:17 pm

Farmer Brown: "Did you lose much in that last tornado?"
Farmer Jones: "Lost the henhouse and all the chickens. But that's OK 'cause I ended up with three new cows and a pick-up truck."



Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they’d ever experienced. “Out here in California,” said one, “I’ve seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwood trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over.”

“That’s nothing,” said the farmer from Wisconsin. “Back on my farm we had a wind yesterday that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and she laid the same egg six times.”
What if there were no hypothetical questions?


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