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Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 11:38 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
I think we've spent a lot of time chewing on each other. We know who is a liberal, conservative, moderate. Every new topic generates the same responses from each "corner". It gets old & participation in the board lags. I know it's easy for me to go elsewhere.

How about a Northwoods humor section to lighten things up & maybe get some newbies to participate?

Hey guys, how about this one? Hey Deb, what do you think??

Subject: FW: 9 words women use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat May 22, 2010 11:39 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
I'm counting on you!


Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun May 23, 2010 1:16 pm
by Old Scout
These are actual writings from various hospital charts.

1.The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 10:29 am
by Old Scout
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called the suicide help line and got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 6:18 pm
by Deb Richardson
Jeff, you said humor!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 7:19 pm
by kmartell
So I showed my wife Jeff's "9 words women use" list and her only response a loud sigh followed by "Whatever !!!"

Thanks Jeff, got anymore lists you want to share? :shock:

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Mon May 24, 2010 11:04 pm
by Old Scout
* Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

* Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

* Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

* Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

* Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

* Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

* Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

* Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Tue May 25, 2010 9:21 am
by Deb Richardson
Not a joke more a story that people of the Northwoods might find humorous. On Monday of this week (5-24-10) the Catholic elementary school in Chippewa Falls canceled recess due to a bear being sited in the neighborhood 2 blocks from the school. I saw a picture of the bear, it was relatively small, 200-250lbs. Good grief!!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 12:29 am
by Catfish
Jeff knows who is liberal and who is conservative etc. etc. but when he needs a dufus he calls on me. Watch out what you ask for. Now you already got me started.
A guy and his wife go to bed and everything is quiet until the man lets a fart fly. His wife wants to know what that was. He says what do you mean what that was? She says yah, what's that. He says alright, it's fart football and I'm ahead 7-0. She says oh yea, here you go I got one too, and she says tie ball game 7-7. He figures he is not letting her get the best of him so he works up another one and says he's ahead 14-7. She is really wanting to best him so she tries real hard and sure enough she lets another one fly and says now it's 14-14 tie game.
Well now he thinks he doesn't have one left but surely doesn't want to lose to his wife. He grunts and squeezes and grunts some more and tries his very hardest for just one more. He grunted and strained so hard that he crapped the bed. Now she says, what in the world is that all about. He says, Half Time, change sides.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 10:29 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
You know my reply to that one: TILT!

Actually I consider you to be more a Northwoods Seer. My dog is a Doofus. In fact she replies to that name as readily as she does to her "real name" of Libby!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed May 26, 2010 10:34 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu May 27, 2010 4:48 am
by Deb Richardson
The Pastor's ***

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.

The local paper read:

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
"NUN SELLS *** FOR $10"

This again was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu May 27, 2010 10:29 am
by Catfish
Jeff, Love the "TILT". And the Donkey was funny. A "seer" hah?
A guy goes into a bar with a monkey. The monkey is full of mischief and is jumping up on everything and causing lots of confusion. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, looks at it and pops it in his mouth and manages to swallow it. The bar tender says to the man, "What the heck gives with your monkey? He just swallowed my cueball." The guy says, " Yah, I hope he chokes to death on it, he's been a real handful lately." A week later the same guy and his monkey come back into the bar. The guy orders a drink and his monkey is jumping up on everything again, causing mischief. This time the monkey jumps up on the bar and runs up and down the bar. He stops at this ladies drink and pulls out the cherry. He looks at the cherry and sticks it in his butt. He takes it out of his butt and swallows it. Then he runs down the bar again and takes an olive out of a man's drink. Looks at it. Sticks it in his butt, pulls it out, and swallows it. The bartender is really excited now. He says to the man, "Last week your monkey swallows my cueball and this week he's taking my custmers cherries and olives and sticking them up his butt and then pulls them out and swallows them. What is the story with this crazy monkey?" The guy says, "Yah, ever since last week when he had trouble passing the cueball, he measures everything before he eats it."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Thu May 27, 2010 10:43 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
What's the difference between a road-killed skunk and a road killed lawyer?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

(Got that one from a friend who is a Patent Attorney)

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:26 am
by Old Scout
A local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that
They offered a standing $1000.00 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass
And hand the lemon to a patron

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers
And Bodybuilders but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants
Hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a
Lemon, and squeezed away.

He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
Fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000.00, and asked the little
Man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack,
Weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:37 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
Come on Ken. You live in the land of Propositions & Hollywood. If ever there was a state ripe for joke nirvana, it would be California.


Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat May 29, 2010 5:45 pm
by Old Scout
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he gives me a good beatin'."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish and swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed
and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home
drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't
touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat May 29, 2010 5:51 pm
by Old Scout
On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat May 29, 2010 9:51 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
I see your survival sense is strong by posting both sides in your last two jokes!

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun May 30, 2010 1:43 pm
by kmartell
'Glad to be drunk' was great !!!

I'm normally not a joke teller...I'm more just a smart a** picking at the peculiarities of the innocent. Speaking of which I'm beginning to be concerned about the story lines of our beloved Catfish's jokes. Probably nothing to worry about...nah...I hope it's just a 'passing' trend. :roll:

But ok, here's a California joke about our beautiful and intelligent Nancy Pelosi....


Nancy Pelosi is in her chauffeured limo, driving through rural America. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, “You get out and check…you were driving.”

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it was old.

“You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer,” says Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns, totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

“My God, what happened to you?” asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a great meal, and the daughter made love to me.”

“What on earth did you say?” asks Nancy.

“I just knocked on the door and when it opened, I said, “I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow.”

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun May 30, 2010 11:01 pm
by Jeff Boettcher
For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Wed Jun 02, 2010 10:20 pm
by Jeff Boettcher

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'Answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Lutheran church back down the road,' replied the little girl.
'What about you ? '

'I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,' Replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way So they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially
Flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the
Other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,'
Said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'
Replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting
Their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry Before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked .

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Lutheran and a Catholic!!!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 12:05 am
by Catfish
Elderly Mrs. Jackson brought her elderly husband Mr. Jackson to the clinic for a thorough medical exam. The doctor said the results would be ready Thursday. On Thursday the clinic called Mrs. Jackson and said the results of the tests were in but there was a problem. It seems there was another Mr. Jackson that had come in for tests the same week and the test results got mixed up and now they don't know which results were for which Mr. Jackson. They said one of them had aids and the other one had alzheimers. She asked how she'd know and asked to have the tests repeated. The Doctor said that Medicaire would only pay for those expensive tests one time only. She said she was very concerned and needed to find out which results were her husbands. The Doctor suggested that she put her husband into the car and drive him to the center of town and drop him off. He said if he finds his way home,.....don't sleep with him!

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 9:42 pm
by Old Scout
God's Problem Now.

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

Re: Northwoods Humor

Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 9:53 pm
by Old Scout
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" He asks

"Feeling fine" says the old man

What's the food like?

"Terrific, wonderful menus"

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better.

These young nurses really take care of you"

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot Chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it.

I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing" he says.

"I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".