I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interupt her.

The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Oldies but goodies?

Minnesota Vikings Joke Collection


• What does a wrecked car and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?
~ Neither has a title!
• Why can’t Minnesota Viking players eat cereal for breakfast?
~ Whenever they get too close to a “bowl” they choke!
• Why doesn’t Iowa have a professional football team?
~ Then Minnesota would want one too!
• What’s the difference between the Pope and the Vikings?
~ The Pope does have a prayer.
• Why can’t the Viking players do the “Lambeau Leap” after a touchdown?
~ Because those empty seats kind of hurt!
• What’s the smallest room in the Metrodome?
~ The Minnesota Vikings trophy room!
• Wy do Packer fans always invite Viking fans to their parties?
~ Because we always like “whine” with our cheese!
• Why did the National Hockey League allow Minnesota to get a franchise?
~ The fans were crying to have at least one professional team in Minnesota.

_________________
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

This is one for all the school teachers who are all in the news now and saying how important you are and how you're doing such a good job. Well listen to this:

A friend of mine's kid went to Diesel School and became a high paid diesel truck mechanic.

Another friend's kid went to Medical School and became a Doctor.

Another's went to Welding School and has a great welding business.

One other's kid went to Chef School and is now fancy chef with a six figure income.

My kid went to "High" School and dropped out. Now he sits on the couch and smokes dope.

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs up to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt I should.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

_______________________________________________________________________________

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
________________________________________________________________________________

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

_________________
God and the Soldier we all adore,
In times of trouble and then no more
when war is over and all things righted
God is forgotten, the old soldier Slighted.

good one Scout. I almost replied with a WI Democratic Senator slam, but I'd like to see the Northwoods Humor thread stay dedicated to warped jokes! (Catfish-style ?) Now there's a real TILT!

_________________
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Sven and Ole were talking one afternoon when Sven tells Ole, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only dis year I'm a gonna do it a little different.

Da last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

"T'ree years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Lena got pregnant."

"Den two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Lena got pregnant again.."

"Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Lena didn't get pregnant again."

Ole asked Sven, "So, what ya gonna do dis year dat's so different?"

And Sven says, "Dis year I'm taking Lena with me."

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

Little Ole and the Stork
Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face at he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother. "Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked. "Da stork brought her," answered mama Lena. "And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole. "Da stork brought me," his mother answered. "And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired. "Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew," mama Lena replied. With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

=========
More yokes...
http://www.llund.com/yokes.htm

_________________
Ken Martell
kenmartell@gmail.com
Thankful to be alive and healthy. Proud to call Tomahawk my hometown.

Rastus and Liza were always getting caught fornicating at lover's lane in their car so Rastus has an idea. He tells Liza that they will never get caught if they go under the car. That way when the cop pulls thru on his rounds it'll look like an empty car and presume they're in the woods. So the next nite he and Liza are under the car like a couple of bunny rabbits. Pretty soon the cop taps Rastus on the shoulder and asks what he thinks he's doing there. Rastus says he's fixin the transmission. The cop says you sure weren't fixin your transmission. Rastus then asks the cop to give him three good reasons why he wasn't fixin his transmission. So the cop says, "First off you don't face that direction when you're fixin the transmission and secondly you don't make those movements when you're fixin the transmission and thirdly, your car rolled away ten minutes ago.

Is 'fornicating" an acceptable word on the message board? We shall see.

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

I'm concerned about 'a couple of bunny rabbits' !!! Good grief, Catfish!!!

_________________
Ken Martell
kenmartell@gmail.com
Thankful to be alive and healthy. Proud to call Tomahawk my hometown.

Yes Deb, I was wondering the same thing. When the joke was told to me they didn't say fornicate. So I really was racking my brain as to how to put it here. I'm not so worried about the children because it is a proper term and I know some adults that don't know what that word means. However we will see.

Ken, yes, just like two bunnies!

I got another Rastus and Liza that is the funniest but really don't know how to tame that one.

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said,

"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Is this is a great country ? ? ?

_________________
God and the Soldier we all adore,
In times of trouble and then no more
when war is over and all things righted
God is forgotten, the old soldier Slighted.

Catfish...let us decide if it needs taming....La la la la...

_________________
Ken Martell
kenmartell@gmail.com
Thankful to be alive and healthy. Proud to call Tomahawk my hometown.

No intent to offend. However little do the Catholics know this is how it is in many churches. Shared by a Catholic friend.



This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.


AMEN:

The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:

Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:

A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.


HYMN:

A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:

The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.


INCENSE:

Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:

An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.




JONAH:

The original 'Jaws' story.


JUSTICE:

When kids have kids of their own.




KYRIE ELEISON:

The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI:

The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:

Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW:

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION:

The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:

People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:

The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:

The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

Yeah!!!...and a loud AMEN to that !!!!!!!!!! Know that one too well from 8 years of grade school at St Mary's...5 days a week before classes and only as many Sundays as me and my pal Karl couldn't weasel out of. And if you wiggled around because you were uncomfortable Sister Superior would spot you and come down and twist your ear and tell you to settle down or you would have to stay after school and clean erasers as punishment for being disruptive. I think that's why my left ear is upside down...she always attacked from the left side...she was really fast and stealthy with a vise grip.

KYRIE ELEISON.... I always that she and CHRISTE were sisters and that they were just missing...that's why we were always calling out their names every morning !!! After all these years I know the truth.

_________________
Ken Martell
kenmartell@gmail.com
Thankful to be alive and healthy. Proud to call Tomahawk my hometown.

Speaking of Catholic teachings..........................
'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Jrh_uuPmd0

I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him

"What is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound...

He said

"President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost choked on my iced tea.

_________________
God and the Soldier we all adore,
In times of trouble and then no more
when war is over and all things righted
God is forgotten, the old soldier Slighted.

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.*

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam , "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where
the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green
eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "But Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

_________________
God and the Soldier we all adore,
In times of trouble and then no more
when war is over and all things righted
God is forgotten, the old soldier Slighted.

A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
...
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

Tilt?

_________________
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

That was like watching Good Fellas on AMC, parts are bleeped but you still know what's being said.

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

Well Ken I guess the joke wasn't tamed enough. It's gone.

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
...

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching him drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --


(Continue below - This is great)













'THE TEETH.

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

Good one Deb!

_________________
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!