Northwoods Humor

Forum for discussions about Tomahawk and the Northwoods.
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Old Scout
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Wed Mar 16, 2011 8:00 pm

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'



Happy Mental Health Day!
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Wed Mar 16, 2011 10:13 pm

owie.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:48 am

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'

Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a... drop of liquor in all that time.'

'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'

'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'



(If you are offended by this joke just insert the nationality of your choice. Not PC, oh heck yeah!)
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:43 am

Deb, in regard to that tag line under your joke, I don't know what's the matter with you or what are you thinking. Lately you have been teeing off so many people like right now I am very offended about the ethnic joke about the Irish because I am Italian and I don't want to insert Italian.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby kmartell » Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:38 pm

Catfish, I'll do it for you if you wish. Most of us are probably just European Mutts...at least I am. I always think of the TLMB as an equal-opportunity-to-be-lightly-harassed place to be. As that line from Traffic goes..."Light up or leave me alone...". Where is my N2O, dude? :lol: :twisted:

Hey, today is St. Patrick's day. I say more Irish jokes. When it's Columbus Day we'll hit the Italians. Watch out Catfish. Ahhhh...feeling better already. 8)
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:57 pm

Irish toast !

May the wind at your back not be from the Corned Beef and Cabbage you had for lunch ! :lol:

Happy Saint Patrick's Day ! :D
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Thu Mar 17, 2011 5:52 pm

@Catfish, what's wrong with me? Funny thing my family has been asking that for years. Guess it's just my nature to PO everyone.
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Thu Mar 17, 2011 9:28 pm

Deb,
It's a dam good hobby!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Fri Mar 18, 2011 6:16 am

Ah yes, I knew my nonsensical post would .......

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Fri Mar 18, 2011 7:11 am

Never thought of P O people as a hobby. Guess it must be if I enjoy it.
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Fri Mar 18, 2011 11:22 pm

Deb,
The "nicest" people can be the Best agitators. Enjoy your gift! Especially with the in-laws.

It's a blast.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby kmartell » Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:26 am

Deb...I think you need a new hobby. You haven't P me O yet !!!

I know you sometimes scold us 'boys' when we get too tight on the leash...but P me O....nah. Not yet at least!!! :lol:

More N2O please... :shock:
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:17 am

Trying to P O in-laws has been always my ultimate hobby goal. That said off to my other favorite hobby, knitting. ;-)
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:12 pm

My in-laws are outlaws to me. "Honey, just got a phone call...the outlaws are coming!" drat

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:51 pm

You can pick your friends, but unfortunatly you are stuck with your relatives ! :roll:
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Sat Mar 19, 2011 1:07 pm

Old Scout, you forgot the most important thing you can pick...your nose. ;-)
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby kmartell » Sat Mar 19, 2011 1:28 pm

You can always laugh them off...just pass the N2O :roll:

OK...that was the last of the N2O stuff from me. I don't want to get a bad rep 'cause I'm in CA. :cry:
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:08 am

Some those here my appreciate this more than others.

For all who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of the old artists have re-released their greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
...
The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"

Coldplay - "Viva Las Vegas"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan - "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:37 pm

I know it's Wisconsin, and anything can happen, but THIS WEATHER IS A VERY BAD JOKE!

Thank God for imperial stouts & barleywines.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Tue Mar 22, 2011 11:03 pm

Very bad joke indeed!

The tower for WEAU-TV 13 in Eau Claire has toppled leaving the station out of commission. Thunder and lightening one minute, sleet, then snowing like crazy. The wind isn't letting up either.
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby KEN » Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:24 am


Deb Richardson
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:50 am

Woo Hoo ROCK ON!
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Thu Mar 24, 2011 11:48 pm

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH TOMORROW.

THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING & SEXY "OLD" PEOPLE

I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE.

I'VE GOT TO GO PACK ! ! ! ! :lol:
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Fri Mar 25, 2011 11:26 am

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel sch...edules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Sat Mar 26, 2011 11:10 am

Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... ........
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


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