Northwoods Humor

Forum for discussions about Tomahawk and the Northwoods.
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:56 pm

If You Marry a Wisconsin Girl...
>
> The first man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that
> she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of
> days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house with
> the dishes washed and put away.
>
> The second man married a woman from TEXAS. He gave his wife
> orders that she was to do all the dishes, cleaning and the cooking.
> The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
> was better and, by the third day he saw the dishes were done, house
> cleaned and there was a very nice dinner on the table.
>
> The third man married a girl from WISCONSIN. He likewise ordered her
> to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry done, plus grass mowed
> and hot meals on the table twice a day. He said the first day he didn't
> see anything, the second day he also didn't see anything but, by the third
> day some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of
> his left eye. His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
> sandwich and load the dishwasher but, he still has difficulty urinating.
>
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby kmartell » Wed Jun 23, 2010 3:57 pm

What women say and what men hear !!!

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"
Ken Martell
kenmartell@gmail.com
Thankful to be alive and healthy. Proud to call Tomahawk my hometown.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Wed Jun 23, 2010 5:37 pm

Pastor's Business Card


A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Wed Jun 23, 2010 10:29 pm

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.



What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled. No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.



The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't having sex with our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Tue Jun 29, 2010 9:44 pm

Do you know what happened 161 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Tue Jun 29, 2010 9:54 pm

Old Scout, tsk, tsk! I don't think we can say boobs here! ;-)
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Sun Jul 04, 2010 10:18 pm

Blondes on a Plane
When a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down the flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston ".
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:03 am

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:59 pm

Same joke different punch line. Bob's funeral was Friday!
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Sun Jul 11, 2010 9:27 pm

God said, "Adam I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman.."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Good gracious. . . ."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said


*

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!



*


"What's a headache?"
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Sun Jul 11, 2010 10:22 pm

Tilt!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Mon Jul 12, 2010 6:12 am

Goes to show which gender exhibits more intelligence. ~big wide winky smile~
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Wed Jul 21, 2010 10:39 pm

Embarrassing Situations:

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:49 pm

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's **** near perfect."
And then the fight started........
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:56 pm

The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to
surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the
people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you
just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said,
"Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,
Tony, your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered,
"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden,
his vice presidential choice the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..."
He went to his advisors and asked every one,
but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up
in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next > > stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for
me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or
your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back
to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and
I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled
into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Mon Jul 26, 2010 11:27 am

"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those!'"

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:02 pm

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Fri Jul 30, 2010 4:15 am

A guy goes into a tiny little back woods saloon and sits down at the bar. He notices Bush and Cheney sitting in a corner booth drinking beers and laughing alot. He asks the bartender if that is really them. He says it sure is, they've been here for a couple of hours drinking and laughing. The guy walks over to the booth and asks what brings the two of them into this little hick country bar. They said not much but were discussing killing a million Iraq citizens and one bicycle repair man. The guy asks why a bicycle repair man and Cheney reaches across the table and punches Bush's arm and says, "See Georgie, nobody cares about those Iraqis".

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Fri Jul 30, 2010 4:21 am

What about Obamas catch phrase word during his campaign? CHANGE....C-H-A-N-G-E.....
"Could-Help-A-Negro-Get-Elected"

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:45 am

And God Created Wisconsin...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, and hills. The people from Wisconsin are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things. Champions shall come from here!"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Minnesota, wait till you see the clowns I put there. They will field a football team to provide entertainment, they will wear purple and play in a domed stadium."

Michael inquisitively asked, "Why a domed stadium?"

God chuckled and said, "You see Michael,...even I don't want to watch them play football."
Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Deb Richardson » Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:48 am

Disclaimer to previous post: I do not personally think the people of Minnesota are clowns. This joke was posted purely for the entertainment of the others here. (My son lives in Minnesota, wears the green and gold proudly.)
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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:14 pm

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed throughout the surrounding hills and canyons.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at a local towing service, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Jeff Boettcher » Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:34 pm

Love it Deb!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Old Scout » Wed Aug 04, 2010 11:47 pm

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why do Driver-Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal ... along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: Northwoods Humor

Postby Catfish » Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:38 pm

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a Beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM the Beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have taken a shot at that Beaver."
"Exactly." answers the doctor.


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