Northwoods Humor

[Catfish]

In case you didn't know it..........

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks their wings,

They simply continue to fly.......

On a Broomstick.....

They're flexible like that!

[Kerry Tobin]

Reminds me of something that happened at a grocery store I worked at in college...

Our manager was being checked out and she purchased a broom. We're all sitting there talking randomly and the bagger got to the broom and with a perfectly straight face asked, "Do you want this in the cart or are you going to ride it home?"

I've never seen the manager more stunned!

[Deb Richardson]

Catfish and Kerry. So that's funny how?

[kmartell]

Tear 'em apart, Deb

[Old Scout]

"Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum"

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Deb Richardson]

Here you go guys.

How can you tell your girlfriend is fat? She fits into your wife's clothes. ~Bob Zany~

[Catfish]

A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[Kerry Tobin]

After further review by the Webmaster and the Editor we've removed a few of the jokes.

Just a reminder that this is a family friendly site, which may have children looking at it, etc. We also need to make sure things stay clean so filters used by many public places such as schools and library's don't flag the site and block access to it.

Please consider the potential audience before posting...

Thanks,

The Webmaster & Editor

[Deb Richardson]

So how come your broom story is still here? ~biggest widest cheesiest smile~

[Jeff Boettcher]

Darn it Ken! What did you say to get Kerry prompted to action? Must have been one of those southern Californy porny stories.
It couldn't have been Catfish (wink, wink). On the other hand...... IT MUST HAVE BEEN DEB!!!

[Catfish]

As the words in a Blues Brothers song says..."What did I say to ----you off this time?"

[Old Scout]

I have some very sad news out of Duluth , Minnesota this morning to share with everyone. This will bring about change in North & South Dakota , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Iowa and parts of Canada . This will bring far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our Midwest Heritage and Souls.

I must report the tragic news that OLE was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4 Wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for Terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the Rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, “Who are you and what are you doing?”

OLE shouted back, “OLE…..BIN LOGGIN!”

OLE is survived by his wife LENA and good friend SVEN.

[Deb Richardson]

Well of course it was me! That's the story of my life. Just ask my husband.

Catfish, now "Sweet home Chicago" is running through my head. Guess that's not bad.

[Catfish]

Deb, why Sweet Home Chicago? That line comes from "I Don't Know" Blues Brothers

It actually is: "What did I say to make you mad, this time."

How bout it Kerry? was it me? and how many others? we're all sick you know!

[kmartell]

If it looks like a fish, walks like a fish, talks like a fish, and smells like a fish it can only be a Catfish That's my vote !!! A gentleman known to reinvent and stretch the envelope.

Jeff, Southern California is a different world and an entirely different state. Bad, unmentionable things happen down there whereas in Northern California we just have our beloved Pelosi. She's like the EverReady bunny...she just won't quit !!!

She's my joke for the day....

[Deb Richardson]

Yes kmartell, I know you are all sick! It's all relevant. Why "Sweet Home Chicago"? A band I go to see now and then does a Blues Brothers set, "Sweet Home Chicago" is one of the tunes they do and do well. For a cover band.

[Jeff Boettcher]

Ken,
The Pelosi connection tips the scales in favor of So Cal.

[Deb Richardson]

I do see why others have left the board not to return.

[kmartell]

Deb,

What's up with your post ?? Am I taking it too seriously I don't see the usual ~eye roll, head shake~ thingy...

And Jeff, after working the spreadsheet I agree with your analysis...

[Jeff Boettcher]

Tilt.

[Catfish]

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[Old Scout]

I am beginning to understand Deb's comment about people leaving the board.

[Jeff Boettcher]

Catfish,
Audacity can be admired. So can folks who die an early death.

You'll be in the Hall of Fame if Deb or any other woman who reads the Message Board ever gets ahold of you!

Tilt?

[Catfish]

Meow (purr) Meow

[KEN]

Stimulus package

It is a slow day in the small Wisconsin town of Tomahawk and
streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and
everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and
lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms
upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his
supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the
local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole
town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more
optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.